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“I only believe in opinions that are born of the empirical world.”, said Albert.
“Well, empirically, your phallus is pendulous,” said Madame Muller.
“Yes, I accept that as a supposition. But it only exists at the moment. Time is fluid and depends on many variables. There could be a change in circumstance.”
“With your phallus?”
“Yes.”
“Could that change happen now?”
“I’m feeling a little “exposed,” shall we say, to your recent criticism of my work,” responded Albert
“I meant no offense. It’s just, I paid for a stiff phallus and not a floppy one,” replied Madame Muller.
A gentle breeze wafted from Lake Zurich and tussled Alberts’s bouffant hair. His eyes darted about his eyelids, and the corners of his mouth flickered up and down. Then, he opened his eyes and looked around the elegant but fading hotel room, consisting mainly of a sofa, a reclining chair, and a decorative valet case.
“It’s just…” he said. “I am having a problem.”
“Yes, I see,” said Mrs. Muller.
“With some physics problems.”
“Perhaps now is not the best time to speak of science.”
Madam Muller rubbed Alberts’s chest seductively with her silk glove, her hand moving slowly southward.
“You see, it appears that mass, energy, and the speed of light have some equivalence, but my mind cannot seem to grasp the exact…oh…oh..that feels nice….”
At that moment, the door flung open. It was famed quantum physicist Niels Bohr!
“Albert, I’ve made a shocking discovery!”
“Haahooowooooohhoo,” Said Albert
“Why are you not at the patent office?”
“I…took..on..a …side..hhh…hhh.. hustle,” said Albert.
“You are interrupting us, Neils. Our appointment is on Thursdays,” said Madame Muller, her hand flying at the speed of light. “Don’t forget your cock ring.”
“Never mind that!” said Neils. “I’ve had a breakthrough.”
“So have I! Ooowhwhhoooooww,” said Albert.
“Light exists as both a wave and a particle!!”
“My… phallus!” shouted Albert.
“No, Albert, don’t you dare, you wait for me!!” demanded Madame Muller, discarding her evening dress one strap at a time.
“What’s more,” said Neils
“Oh, shut up, Neils. Come back on Thursday!” said Madame Muller as she mounted Albert.
“Ohhhh!”
“WHAT’S MORE,” said Neils, “A recent thought experiment has yielded proof of complementarity. Though light exists as both a wave or particle, it cannot exist as both simultaneously!”
“I AM COMING” shouted Einstein. “WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE I AM ALREADY HERE OOOOOOOOO YESSSSSSSSS!”
Madame Muller followed up, “wave-particle relations are erroneous AND…CANNOT… OHH, GOD, ALBERT OOHH… CONFIRM… YOUR PRECIOUS…COMPLEMENTARITY PRINCIPLE OHHHOHHOOHHHHOOHOH MY HOO-HA IS RUMBLING LIKE A VOLCANO!!”
At this point, Madame Muller reached an arm to the heavens as if summoning Zeus; her fleshy rear squashed into the randy scientist’s midriff like two cantaloupes at the bottom of a fruit truck.
“THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA!!!!!” screamed Madame Muller, a phrase she always said at the height of ecstasy as an homage to her favorite philosopher, Fridrech Nietchse, and then leaning toward the panting physicist, red hair draped around her flushed face, she proclaimed:
“OH GOD, ALBERT, MOTORBOAT ME, YOU FOOL!”
Albert, a twinkle in his eye, licked his lips.
“BWABBWABBWABBBABWABBBWABBBBBWAB”
“I feel stricken by your criticism of my work,” said the stoic Bohr; it is not right of you to dismiss it. Especially while motorboating.”
“You see,” Madame Muller offered, breasts flapping about like weather balloons in a hurricane, “while it is feasible that light can exist as both a particle and a wave, the idea that both particle and wave cannot exist at the same time, is a supposition, and not fact, as outlined by the great Quantum Physicist Sloprang Diphthong.”
“Pisha to Sloprang!” said Bohr. He lept out of his chair and resumed his pacing.
“I have proven mathematically that particle-wave duality exists, and neither wave nor particle can be observed simultaneously!
“May I stop now?” pleaded the damp Albert.
“Only if you say, “Madame Muller is my Übermensch.”
“God does not play dice, but he is not dead. Nietzche is a fraud.” replied Albert.
Furious at Alberts’s impertinence, Madame Muller slapped him in the face.
“Of course, God is dead!” screamed Madame Muller. “If I knew you weren’t a nihilist, I never would have let you motorboat me!”
Madame Muller hoped quickly off the bed and tied a robe around her waist.
“How dare you criticize Nietsche! Out of my house, you, you, whore! You gigolo! You RELATIVIST!
Albert, still panting from his exertions, body draped slack around the alpine cow hair reclining chair which had served as ballast to the pair’s copulation, raised an arm limply into the air as if to make a point of great significance:
“I only believe in opinions born of the empirical world,” he said.
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Welcome to the live read of "Down Chuska Mountain" by Jeffrey Delano Davis. The reading will take approximately 35… https://t.co/htJqfb19gH